I’m Sorry, for Feeling
Aggressively Defending My Stupidity
Untitled
For a few brief moments
I touched the sacred.
With laughing tears
I felt released.
All my life I've misinterpreted
the language of emotions
and proud I was of my
foolish misunderstandings
while aggressively defending
my stupidity. I thoughtlessly
crushed all else but my own.
I move a little more carefully now
and I want to touch
the sacred again.
Maybe a little longer next time?
~ Healing Wolf: The Folsom Prison Daybook of Grief, Despair, Hope & Art
I was watching clips of local news stations interviewing people who were hit by the historic record tornados over the past weekend. In one of the clips, the reporter was talking with a man whose entire life was destroyed, his home, his community, everything shredded in 130+ mph winds. The man began to feel emotional and immediately he covered his face and said, “I’m sorry.”
How many times as men have we seen this or done this ourselves? Why do we feel a need to apologize for the fact that we are experiencing human emotions? From the time we are thigh high, men are taught to shield your breast, gird your loins, take the blow. Don’t wince, don’t cry, show ZERO emotion.
In my lifetime, the moments where these instances stand out the most are with politicians. Most recently, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, was stepping down from his role as a leader and he showed some emotion, tearing up a bit. The next day, I was surprised…and NOT surprised to see the “Manosphere” attacking Trudeau for being “Beta.” Memes popped up mocking this man for displaying human emotions.
Other moments I recall are U.S. presidents who displayed human emotion and were immediately criticized by the hyper-masculine culture. Obama after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, George W. Bush after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Clinton after the Oklahoma City Bombing.
Father Richard Rohr recently released a new book called, The Tears of Things, where he asks us to become “…Prophets of Love.” The premise is that the ancient Hebrew prophets start out as agitators and critics, they have a lot of what is described today as “Alpha” energy. However, as the great prophets mature, they develop the ability to lead through developing their emotional intelligence (EQ), also known as emotional maturity. The prophets that do not develop EQ, Rohr labels as ‘unfinished prophets.’
Stop Apologizing
“Emotionally intelligent individuals can motivate themselves, read social cues, and build strong relationships.” -- Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
The mature masculine requires men to gain self-knowledge and to attain emotional literacy. No modern male should be apologizing for experiencing human emotions. We are not robots. Being ‘unemotional’ does not make us better leaders. In fact, lack of EQ is what leads to sociopathic tendencies, men so emotionally illiterate and detached from their humanity that they see other humans as weak, fallible, e.g., “Beta.”
Nothing can be farther from the truth for a whole, conscientious leader than the idea of a man who is emotionally illiterate. Today’s young men are being told that the path to leadership is to be “disruptive.” “Move fast and break things.” This is the opposite of the message of the Stoics, the opposite of the philosophy of the founders of the country.
Epictetus said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” This is the essence of mature masculinity, to ‘know thyself’ so deeply that we move with consciousness and emotional clarity as opposed to reacting to everything that happens around us. Breaking things is a sign of immaturity.
When we operate from conscious, emotional literacy we have nothing for which to apologize. There is nothing shameful about ‘tears.’ Just as there is nothing wrong with anger, joy or fear. Knowing these human emotions and processing them as adults is the key to great leadership.
The other option men have is to remain stuck in the poisonous messages that we are not supposed to experience human emotions. For men, this keeps us trapped in a childish world. We see this every day in our society. Dialogue remains trapped in a “middle school” mentality where very little productive activity takes place. Many modern male role models display and celebrate grossly immature thinking.
Why? The most salient answer is that this is the easier, softer way. It is difficult to plumb our own souls and discover our innate humanity. It is much easier to point a finger at ‘the other’ and criticize them for their human faults. Mom always said, “When you point your finger, there are three pointing back.”
The Four Virtues of Stoicism
“The Stoics identified four cardinal virtues: wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance. These virtues are seen as expressions of a person’s rational nature, and they provide a guide for how to live a good life.” –Stoic Choice
There is no conflict here. The “mind” and ‘a person’s rational nature’ are not an avoidance of human emotional reality. The Stoics are not encouraging us to be robots or Spock. Indeed, it is just the opposite. The deeper we move into an understanding of what our bodies are feeling/experiencing, the more conscious we are of how we respond to the events of the outside world.
The man featured on the news report in Mississippi should have felt free to drop to ground if he needed. He is bleeding out and his town is destroyed. He is alive, his family is upright and breathing…so he has some rational reason to feel happiness for that reality. On the same token, he has every right to be grief stricken once the shock wears off. The first words out of the reporter’s mouth should have been, “You have nothing to apologize for.”
This is now the great dilemma for today’s young men. We have a lack of elders who are willing to teach young men the pathways to their own souls. The more that we emulate and encourage the next generation to achieve emotional intelligence, the closer we are to truly great leadership for the future.
“Yet, the sacred masculine energy goes beyond sheer physical prowess. It embraces emotional intelligence, recognizing vulnerability as a wellspring of power. In a world that often dismisses emotional expression as weakness, the sacred masculinity stands tall, encouraging men to delve into their emotional depths with courage and authenticity.” —Sacred Masculinity: A Psychological Perspective
EQ is the pathway to “ownership.” We are called to pass along the knowledge of the sacred masculine. The sacred that “Healing Wolf” touched in his prose at the beginning of this post. We leave behind our childish and foolish misunderstandings.
“All my life I've misinterpreted
the language of emotions
and proud I was of my
foolish misunderstandings
while aggressively defending
my stupidity. I thoughtlessly
crushed all else but my own.”