The Longest Distance
Feel Your Heart Beating
“We're talking about what you felt. Feelings are not right or wrong. They are just feelings.”
― James R. Doty, Into the Magic Shop: A Neurosurgeon's Quest to Discover the Mysteries of the Brain and the Secrets of the Heart
When I first began “Men’s Work,” i.e., ‘initiation,’ there was a man I respected who used to say, “The greatest distance a man can travel is from here to here,” while he first pointed to his head and then to his heart.
This was my initiation into EQ, emotional intelligence. It was only months after my father had passed away, I was five years sober and only beginning to learn about my emotional life. Up to that point I was, what I later referred to as ECWM, an Emotionally Constipated White Male.
Recently, a close friend of mine recommended reading James Doty’s, “Into the Magic Shop.” I finished the book in less than three days. The book is fascinating in its scope and story. It does have a bit of “The Secret” vibe, but I pushed past that logic and focused more on the mind/heart connection.
At one point, the neurosurgeon author makes a statement that basically says the heart has more neurological information it is processing than the human brain. Assuming this is data, it clarifies so much of current human existence.
Technology is designed to cut us off from our hearts and keep us up in our heads where we do not feel emotions. For men, the head is our “safe place.” When I am in my head, it is comfy. I do not have to feel sad, mad, glad or afraid. Intellectually analyzing the world keeps us safe and out of our hearts and feelings.
“Feelings are not right or wrong. They are just feelings.” ― James R. Doty
For young men, there is nothing more critical than learning and achieving EQ. An emotionally literate young man is on the pathway to building a stronger society. This is why rites of passage are so critical for today’s youth. Helping them to see beyond the cold cereal of TikTok videos and ten second sound bites and into the hot breakfast of the heart.
When a young man learns how to access his heart, he opens himself up to a world of empathy and compassion. His humanity is engaged, and he enriches those around him with his emotional literacy.
He becomes a Samaritan. Our world is filled with priests and Levites who walk casually past the man beaten in the street. Their hearts are not open. The young man with EQ sees the trauma and steps in to help heal the situation. He uses his heart first, and as a result his mind is filled with infinite possibilities for which to bring about change.
He doesn’t stop on the street and pull out his phone and ask ChatGPT, “There is a man in the street who is beaten, what should I do?” He knows intuitively how to respond because he has emotional intelligence over artificial intelligence.
“When our hearts are wounded that's when they open. We grow through pain. We grow through difficult situations. That's why you have to embrace each and every difficult thing in your life.” ― James R. Doty
Rites of passage are “Work.” When a young man shows up on a Rites of Passage Weekend, he eventually learns that he is going to have to work. He is given a snapshot of his life as it currently stands and then asked what the roadblocks are that keep him from being the man he wants to be. To be that man, he will need to put in some work…and some of it may be painful.
I have always said that we are not counselors, we do not fix anything. Men like to fix stuff. We are hard wired to fix things. But when a man or a young man is facing fear or grief, we cannot put on our floppy fireman’s hat and rescue him. A gifted elder will help tether that young man slowly into the fear or grief and hold close to him as he descends.
My belief is that we are “editors.” Together, with the young man, we find the chapter of his story that is painful, that is blocking him, that is keeping him from being emotionally authentic. Then, little by little, we help write a new sentence or two to that paragraph and this allows the young man to view his life differently…from his heart. He has a “new chapter.”
These young men grow into powerful leaders, men of integrity and trust. And they understand kindness because they have learned how to access their hearts.
“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” 14th Dalai Lama